Grow up Men!!!

Are men really that dense?  Why do women emotional mature faster than men?  Grow up men!!!!

Let me illustrate with several examples from the book “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman.  “

I think all of us are very aware of the differences between men and women. Usually women are more emotionally mature than their husbands for one simple reason:  they’ve had an enormous head start in acquiring these skills.

Let’s go back to the playground for a moment. 

When young boys play, their priority tends to be the game itself—not their relationship with each other or their emotions.  But for little girls, feelings are usually paramount.  A cry of “I’m not your friend anymore” will stop a game cold.  Whether it starts up again will depend on whether the girls make up. 

Girlish games offer far better preparation for marriage and family life because they focus on relationships.  Boys don’t often include games with relationship and domestic themes in their repertoire.  Girls play often emphasizes social interactions and feelings.  A boys experience at playing cooperatively and quickly getting past conflict will be an asset later in the boardroom or on the construction site, but it will be a liability in marriage if it comes at the expense of understanding the emotions behind his wife’s perspectives.

Once a young couple marries, the groom is suddenly immersed in an alien world.  Many young husbands discover they have a lot to learn from their wives about maintaining a home.  How will he react to his wife?  That depends upon whether he can be emotionally intelligent. 

An emotionally intelligent husband honors and respects his wife; he will be open to learning more about emotions from her.  He will come to understand her world and those of his children and friends.  He will learn how to connect with his wife emotionally.  As he does so, he’ll make choices that show he esteems her.  When she needs to talk, he’ll turn off the basketball game and listen.  He will choose “us” over “me.”

The new husband is likely to make his career less of a priority than his family life because he has revised his definition of success.  He will keep in touch with his wife with his admiration and fondness for her, and he communicates it by turning toward her in his daily actions. 

Does this mean that he will never be irritated with his spouse or disagree? 

Let’s switch gears and reflect upon the spiritual side of your relationship.

From the book “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Goddard.” it is suggested

At some point we know our partner well enough to be irritated and to know that the sources of our irritation are not likely to disappear.  We can leave the relationship, smolder in sullen resentment, or repent.  God recommends repentance. 

Let’s talk about some common irritations. 

Example:  I like kitchen counters to be tidy and free of clutter.  My wife sins in this area.  Why does she not respond favorably to my request by leaving the kitchen counters tidy and free of clutter? 

Answer:  This is not my wife’s problem.  It is my problem.  If something is left on the counter and it bothers me, I can put it away

Any time we feel irritated with our spouse, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouse to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent. 

Repentance “denotes a change of mind, i.e., a fresh view about God, about oneself, and about the world. 

Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride.  “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters –self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self seeking. 

When we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse, we have our backs toward heaven.  We are guilty of pride. 

Appreciating is more powerful than correcting.  Appreciation inflates the tires on which we travel.  Criticism is a slow leak in those tires.

How do you rate your emotional intelligence?