The In-Laws/Father, Mother, Sister, Brother

What About those In-Laws?

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  NoThis was an interesting read this week regarding the in-laws.  I may have a slightly different perspectiv

I can sympathize with newly married couples and their in-laws.  I am personally at a point in my life where children’s marriages and grandchildren are eminent within the next few years.  I am nearly an in-law myself.  What kind of an in-law will I be.  

I have a slightly different perspective in addressing this subject.

I recently remarried 5 months ago.  My spouse is the youngest of 8 children and as such does not have the respect of her siblings regarding matters of importance.  In essence, her siblings have parented her through childhood and continue to parent her as an adult.  They cannot seem to relinquish their hold upon her.  Laughingly I must say that meeting her siblings for the first time at a family reunion was an exercise in patience.  How would you like to have (not just one set of in-laws but 7 sets of in-laws sizing you up and passing judgment upon you?)  I am a 52 year old man!  Bottom line is that I will not measure up to their expectations any time soon.  This is an exercise of love, patience and prayer.  Luckily my wife and I have the maturity to be successful. 

Secondly, I have another problem with a Brother-in-law on my side of the family.  I have an older son that has offended a brother-in-law whom has been verbally abusive toward my son.  The continued abuse has caused an estrangement between our families.  My brother-in-law is certainly out of line and character but the responsibility of forgiveness lies upon me. 

I did find a couple of quotes from this weeks reading which do shed some light pertinent to my situation: 

From the writings of :  JAMES M. HARPER AND SUSANNE FROST OLSEN,  CREATING HEALTHY TIES WITH IN-LAWS AND EXTENDED FAMILIES, I found these statements to be instructive:

Regarding my wife’s siblings

“Even before they are married, couples begin to learn that their families are different. The more a person can learn and talk about the unspoken rules in the prospective spouse’s family, the easier it will be to feel included. Examples of unspoken rules include how family members handle conflict, who is involved in making decisions, how emotionally expressive family members can comfortably be, how humor is demonstrated in the family, or what topics should not be discussed. The clearer family rules are, the better, because new sons- or daughters-in-law can't follow rules if they don't understand them.

This statement could be applicable for either my wife’s family or my own Brother-in-law:

If a married couple finds a parent or other extended family member to be disruptive or harmful to their marriage, they can approach the problem together. They will need to decide what limits to place on the type of contact and time they spend with that family member. If they decide they want to improve the relationship, they will need to decide together how to approach the other family member and what types of change they want to request. Then they should act together, with both married partners realizing their primary obligation is to be supportive of each other, regardless of how the extended family member responds. At times, the situation may be deemed serious enough to warrant cutting off contact with in-laws and extended family members who actively seek it to harm family members or destroy relationships. However, couples can continue to pray for these family members from a distance, keeping their hearts soft and ready to forgive past offenses.

And Lastly; what is my own responsibility?

If you are in an estranged relationship as a child-in-law or a parent-in-law, forgiveness may be necessary before you can do some of the things mentioned in this chapter. Forgiveness means you let go of consuming feelings of animosity, bitterness, and hatred.³¹ Improved relationships will require time, effort, patience, and a willingness to communicate about issues and past offenses with love and concern. Some things may not be resolved in this life. Trusting in Christ and His timetable will help each prepare to do all they can do to mend troubled relationships.

In conclusion:

Perhaps these thoughts may help one of you that may be in a similar situation as I am.  Marriage is not always about the younger couple discovering their identities with their in-laws.  More mature marriages can have similar issues that may need to be handled with the utmost care……Not only mature couples but couples remarrying and adjusting to a new household with new step-children or a home combining children. 

None of us are immune.  May the Lord bless you in your families.