I have recently married a woman that consistently practices the principles for a strong marriage. I can enthusiastically say that the suggestions given in Dr. Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work” if applied to your marriage will create a love you have never experienced. Even if your marriage is healthy, I suggest that you keep the love alive by learning as much as you can.
In Dr. Gottman’s book, “The seven principles for making marriage work,” A story was told of Rory that illustrates in an extreme way how marriages start drifting apart. I think we can all learn from this illustration.
“Rory was a pediatrician who ran an intensive care unit for babies. He was beloved at the hospital, where everybody called him Dr Rory. He was a reserved man but capable of great warmth, humor and charm. He was also a workaholic who slept in the hospital an average of twenty nights a month. He didn’t know the names of his children’s friends, or even the name of the family dog. When he was asked which room led to the house’s back door, he turned to ask his wife, Lisa. His wife was upset over how little she saw of Rory and how emotionally disconnected he seemed to be. She frequently tried to make little gestures to show him she cared, but her attempts just annoyed him. She was left with the sense that he simply didn’t value her or their marriage.”
Rory was an intellectually gifted man who didn’t even know the name of the family dog or how to find the back door! Can we see by this illustratration why this relationship is on rocky ground? Rory’s has a shocking lack of knowledge about his own home life. He had become so caught up in his work that he became disconnected with his wife’s world.
Many couples fall into a similar habit of inattention to the details of their spouse’s life. One or both partners may have only the sketchiest sense of the other’s joys, likes, dislikes, fears and stresses.
In contrast, emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. They have a love map which is a term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life. When she orders him a salad, she knows what kind of dressing he likes. If she works late, he’ll think to record her favorite tv show. He could tell you how she’s feeling about her boss and exactly how to get to her office from the elevator. They know each other's life goals, worries, and hopes.
Without a love map, you can’t really know your spouse. If you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them?
Do you know the names of your spouse’s friends? Do you know what stresses your spouse is feeling? When was the last time you and your spouse talked about your life’s dreams? Do you know your spouse's favorite music, movies? What about their stresses in life? These are just a few of many, many questions that you can discuss in your quest for a checkup from the neck up.
For a printable version of love map questions you can go to Gottmans’s book: http://rhlink.com/mmw008 and http://rhlink.com/mmw003
If the very thought of communication with your spouse leaves you hesitant, go to these links and find new ways to start a conversation. You may be pleasantly surprised.
Updating your love map consistently will not only increase your love for your spouse but bring to light the many facets of life’s changes that change your world.
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