A FEW DEGREES

As a married couple, do you read or listen to the news together or silently alone?  Do you look forward to chatting together while eating lunch or at the end of the day?   Do you make time for small exchanges of love amidst your busy hectic schedules.

What’s really occurring in these small and brief exchanges is that husband’s and wives are connecting--they are tuning into each others world by turning toward each other.  These couples are building mutual trust.  Those who don’t connect with each other are likely to lose their way.  

Real life romance is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.  In marriage, couples are always (consciously or subconsciously) reaching out for each other’s attention, affection, humor or support.  Will you ignore those vital signs or tune in to recognize those often hidden advances for your attention?  Turning toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion and a satisfying sex life.  

Romance is strengthened by the small and simple things like when your partner gives subtle hints like “would you like to go to the store with me?”  or “Do you like this outfit?  Or Does this color look good on me?”  

How do you respond?  Do you shrug your shoulders apathetically?  

Romance will grow when your spouse is having a bad day and you take a few seconds out of your schedule to send an encouraging text.  Partners can make a choice to turn toward each other rather than away from each other.  If you make the time to be receptive to your spouses needs, the reward will pay huge dividends.  Tune in to your partner and do not be distracted.  

Having a realization that you shouldn’t take your everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in your relationship.  Being helpful will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two week bahamas getaway

This will build an emotional bank account that will assist in weathering the hard times.  

Another small but noteworthy mention which has a potential hazard in our relationships is electronic devices.  I speak from personal experience.  

Electronic devices have gotten us used to having our concentration and focus interrupted.  This electronic distraction does not benefit intimate relationships.  Love and Intimacy require the habit of being aware and paying attention to our spouse.  Often partners will complain that the other is preoccupied and unavailable.  

I am reminded of a story told by Dieter F. Uchtdorf, second counselor in the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  

The main theme of his talk is:  

“The difference between happiness and misery … often comes down to an error of only a few degrees.”

I quote directly from his remarks:  

 

"In 1979 a large passenger jet with 257 people on board left New Zealand for a sightseeing flight to Antarctica and back. Unknown to the pilots, however, someone had modified the flight coordinates by a mere two degrees. This error placed the aircraft 28 miles (45 km) to the east of where the pilots assumed they were. As they approached Antarctica, the pilots descended to a lower altitude to give the passengers a better look at the landscape. Although both were experienced pilots, neither had made this particular flight before, and they had no way of knowing that the incorrect coordinates had placed them directly in the path of Mount Erebus, an active volcano that rises from the frozen landscape to a height of more than 12,000 feet (3,700 m).

As the pilots flew onward, the white of the snow and ice covering the volcano blended with the white of the clouds above, making it appear as though they were flying over flat ground. By the time the instruments sounded the warning that the ground was rising fast toward them, it was too late. The airplane crashed into the side of the volcano, killing everyone on board.

It was a terrible tragedy brought on by a minor error—a matter of only a few degrees.1.

The difference of a few degrees may seem minor. But even small errors over time can make a dramatic difference in our lives.

No one wants his life to end in tragedy. But all too often, like the pilots and passengers of the sightseeing flight, we set out on what we hope will be an exciting journey only to realize too late that an error of a few degrees has set us on a course for spiritual disaster.

It is therefore of critical importance that we become self-disciplined enough to make early and decisive corrections to get back on the right track and not wait or hope that errors will somehow correct themselves.

The longer we delay corrective action, the larger the needed changes become, and the longer it takes to get back on the correct course—even to the point where a disaster might be looming."

I would liken this story to another “exciting Journey” called Marriage!  I plead with you to stay on course.  If you take your partner for granted and stop doing the little things that build intimacy and trust, your course will begin to wander a degree here and there until years begin to pass and eventually the relationship becomes very difficult to get back on course

Emotional Intelligence

I have recently married a woman that consistently practices the principles for a strong marriage.  I can enthusiastically say that the suggestions given in Dr. Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work” if applied to your marriage will create a love you have never experienced.  Even if your marriage is healthy, I suggest that you keep the love alive by learning as much as you can.  

 

In Dr. Gottman’s book, “The seven principles for making marriage work,” A story was told of Rory that illustrates in an extreme way how marriages start drifting apart. I think we can all learn from this illustration.

“Rory was a pediatrician  who ran an intensive care unit for babies.  He was beloved at the hospital, where everybody called him Dr Rory.  He was a reserved man but capable of great warmth, humor and charm.  He was also a workaholic who slept in the hospital an average of twenty nights a month. He didn’t know the names of his children’s friends, or even the name of the family dog.  When he was asked which room led to the house’s back door, he turned to ask his wife, Lisa.  His wife was upset over how little she saw of Rory and how emotionally disconnected he seemed to be.  She frequently tried to make little gestures to show him she cared, but her attempts just annoyed him.  She was left with the sense that he simply didn’t value her or their marriage.”

Rory was an intellectually gifted man who didn’t even know the name of the family dog or how to find the back door!   Can we see by this illustratration why this relationship is on rocky ground? Rory’s has a shocking lack of knowledge about his own home life.  He had become so caught up in his work that he became disconnected with his wife’s world.    

Many couples fall into a similar habit of inattention to the details of their spouse’s life.  One or both partners may have only the sketchiest sense of the other’s joys, likes, dislikes, fears and stresses.  

In contrast, emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world.  They have a love map which is a term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life.  When she orders him a salad, she knows what kind of dressing he likes.  If she works late, he’ll  think to record her favorite tv show.  He could tell you how she’s feeling about her boss and exactly how to get to her office from the elevator.  They  know each other's life goals, worries, and hopes.  

Without a love map, you can’t really know your spouse.  If you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them?  

Do you know the names of your spouse’s friends?  Do you know what stresses your spouse is feeling?  When was the last time you and your spouse talked about your life’s dreams?     Do you know your spouse's favorite music, movies?  What about their stresses in life?  These are just a few of many, many questions that you can discuss in your quest for a checkup from the neck up.  

For a printable version of love map questions you can go to Gottmans’s book:  http://rhlink.com/mmw008 and http://rhlink.com/mmw003

If the very thought of communication with your spouse leaves you hesitant, go to these links and find new ways to start a conversation.  You may be pleasantly surprised.  

Updating your love map consistently will not only increase your love for your spouse but bring to light the many facets of life’s changes that change your world.  

Does Therapy work?

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If you have ever had trouble in your relationship, it would seem that everyone thinks he or she holds the secret to repairing your marriage but most of this advice will be wrong. 

The biggest misadvice given by even talented marriage therapists would be the act of communication or learning to resolve your conflicts.  The advice might go something like this:  “learn to communicate better”

 (Pretty profound right?) 

When couples get in a conflict, they typically feel they are right and need justified.  They become so focused on how they feel and proving they are right and their spouse is wrong.  It would make sense that listening to each others perspective would lead a couple to find solutions to their conflict right?  

A common method recommended by marriage therapists is called active listening.  A therapist might ask you to try a form of listener-speaker exchange.  You might state a complaint as an I statement that focus’ on what you are feeling instead of criticizing your spouse. 

Next, the spouse would repeat back the statement to make sure they have heard it right.  (active listening)  This will validate their feelings.  Problem solving will take place without anger…right?  The problem is that active listening and conflict resolution doesn’t work. 

According to research by John Gottman in his book "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work":  “The best of this type of marital therapy conducted by Neil Jacobson, had only a 35 to 50 percent success rate.”

I came from a bad marriage where I was counseled to communicate in a similar fashion described.  I worked on myself constantly.  I tried to become a better husband.  I thought that better communication was the key.  The more I tried to communicate, the worse the relationship became.  In John Gottmans book, “The 7 principles for making marriage work”, he described a Roach Motel for Lovers that described perfectly my last relationship. 

“This horrible place is marked by endless conflict and bad feelings.  Couples check in to it and then discover they can’t get out.  When couples become trapped in the Roach Motel, they each come to believe that their partner must be fundamentally selfish.  Their minds fill with thoughts like, “He doesn’t care how I feel” and “All that matters to her is getting her way.”  Each becomes increasingly convinced that the other isn’t on their side and doesn’t have their back.  The relationship devolves into a zero-sum game in which one partner’s victory is perceived as the other’s defeat.”

There are of course other elements of communication to consider.  How important is marital friendship?  How do you deepen friendship to a level it once was?  Is your marriage beyond resuscitation? 

These are questions I will address in the coming weeks.  I will say that I have learned much of the good, bad and the ugly from my last divorce.  I blamed myself and suffered a great deal from my divorce.  I have recently remarried and have experienced a rebirth.  I find that the communication skills I once thought I lacked are a blessing of love in my current marriage.  I have discovered another element that my wife and I focus on that permeates our conversations.  We always start a serious discussion with a scripture and prayer.  I can’t emphasize enough what the Power of the Holy Ghost can bring into a marriage.  With that thought in mind, I will conclude with this statement by Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. 

I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation.

If you are already descending into the low state of marriage-in-name-only, please join hands, kneel together, and prayerfully plead for help and the healing power of the Atonement. Your humble and united pleadings will bring you closer to the Lord and to each other and will help you in the hard climb back to marital harmony.

Weakness

We live in a society where the threat to the family is under constant attack.  

“Marriage and divorce are both common experiences. In Western cultures, more than 90 percent of people marry by age 50. Healthy marriages are good for couples’ mental and physical health. They are also good for children; growing up in a happy home protects children from mental, physical, educational and social problems. However, about 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher.”

Adapted from the Encyclopedia of Psychology

Our families are deteriorating through divorce, single parenting, cohabitation, same sex marriage etc.  I am not judging these situations.  I can understand and love all people.  I have been divorced myself and my own children struggled.

 

I will base my topic today upon the spiritual foundation that gives me my comfort and strength.  

I want to talk about Satan preying upon our weaknesses, especially upon the confusion of same gender attraction.  

Elder Bednar, an Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints gave a talk in June 2006 ; “Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan”.  Satan is given reference regarding the distortion of the Doctrine of Marriage,  

“Lucifer relentlessly assails and distorts the doctrines that matter most to us individually, to our families, and to the world. Where is the adversary focusing his most direct and diabolical attacks? Satan works unremittingly to confuse understanding about gender, to promote the premature and unrighteous use of procreative power, and to hinder righteous marriage precisely because marriage is ordained of God and the family is central to the plan of happiness.

Lucifer’s attacks on the plan are intended to make the sons and daughters of God confused and unhappy and to halt their eternal progression.   And he persistently strives to confuse the divinely appointed purposes of gender, marriage, and family.

More recently the devil has attempted to combine and legally validate confusion about gender and marriage. “

This is a subject that is very close to home and personal in my life.  It is a subject that is addressed by Churches on a frequent basis and is a threat to the doctrine of marriage.  

I had a recent conversation with an individual that supports same-sex marriage and has proclaimed themselves as “Gay”   When you have conversations with these folks, they claim to be misunderstood, persecuted, and oppressed.  They claim to be acting righteously on a desire that they feel God has given them.  

I found it very interesting that Elder Bednar proclaimed:  “Satan works unremittingly to confuse understanding about gender, to promote the premature and unrighteous use of procreative power, and to hinder righteous marriage”

Elder Bednar also declared:  “More recently the devil has attempted to combine and legally validate confusion about gender and marriage.”

I have concluded that one of the ways Satan is seeking to destroy the covenant of marriage is by gender confusion.  Every gender confused individual I have spoken to claims to have found true love by identifying with a “group” that enables them to feel justified in their actions.  When asked how they choose to construct their environment, nearly 100% of them live a lifestyle (by their own admission) that is contrary to the commandments of God.  None of the individuals I spoke to on this subject seemed truly happy.  They claim to be happy but seem to share a common bitterness that is destructive.  This thought may further be defined as an unsettled grasping for something that will always be unobtainable.  Unconsciously they are fighting against Eternal laws of God.  They will never win regardless of what the world thinks.  Their lives lack fulfillment because they deny themselves to partake of the blessings and bounty that a family unit brings.  

I am grateful for my wife and the decisions we make in our own marriage to live after the covenant of marriage.  To those that may struggle with same gender attraction, there is love and fulfillment to be found in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  He will help you and comfort you