The In-Laws/Father, Mother, Sister, Brother

What About those In-Laws?

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  NoThis was an interesting read this week regarding the in-laws.  I may have a slightly different perspectiv

I can sympathize with newly married couples and their in-laws.  I am personally at a point in my life where children’s marriages and grandchildren are eminent within the next few years.  I am nearly an in-law myself.  What kind of an in-law will I be.  

I have a slightly different perspective in addressing this subject.

I recently remarried 5 months ago.  My spouse is the youngest of 8 children and as such does not have the respect of her siblings regarding matters of importance.  In essence, her siblings have parented her through childhood and continue to parent her as an adult.  They cannot seem to relinquish their hold upon her.  Laughingly I must say that meeting her siblings for the first time at a family reunion was an exercise in patience.  How would you like to have (not just one set of in-laws but 7 sets of in-laws sizing you up and passing judgment upon you?)  I am a 52 year old man!  Bottom line is that I will not measure up to their expectations any time soon.  This is an exercise of love, patience and prayer.  Luckily my wife and I have the maturity to be successful. 

Secondly, I have another problem with a Brother-in-law on my side of the family.  I have an older son that has offended a brother-in-law whom has been verbally abusive toward my son.  The continued abuse has caused an estrangement between our families.  My brother-in-law is certainly out of line and character but the responsibility of forgiveness lies upon me. 

I did find a couple of quotes from this weeks reading which do shed some light pertinent to my situation: 

From the writings of :  JAMES M. HARPER AND SUSANNE FROST OLSEN,  CREATING HEALTHY TIES WITH IN-LAWS AND EXTENDED FAMILIES, I found these statements to be instructive:

Regarding my wife’s siblings

“Even before they are married, couples begin to learn that their families are different. The more a person can learn and talk about the unspoken rules in the prospective spouse’s family, the easier it will be to feel included. Examples of unspoken rules include how family members handle conflict, who is involved in making decisions, how emotionally expressive family members can comfortably be, how humor is demonstrated in the family, or what topics should not be discussed. The clearer family rules are, the better, because new sons- or daughters-in-law can't follow rules if they don't understand them.

This statement could be applicable for either my wife’s family or my own Brother-in-law:

If a married couple finds a parent or other extended family member to be disruptive or harmful to their marriage, they can approach the problem together. They will need to decide what limits to place on the type of contact and time they spend with that family member. If they decide they want to improve the relationship, they will need to decide together how to approach the other family member and what types of change they want to request. Then they should act together, with both married partners realizing their primary obligation is to be supportive of each other, regardless of how the extended family member responds. At times, the situation may be deemed serious enough to warrant cutting off contact with in-laws and extended family members who actively seek it to harm family members or destroy relationships. However, couples can continue to pray for these family members from a distance, keeping their hearts soft and ready to forgive past offenses.

And Lastly; what is my own responsibility?

If you are in an estranged relationship as a child-in-law or a parent-in-law, forgiveness may be necessary before you can do some of the things mentioned in this chapter. Forgiveness means you let go of consuming feelings of animosity, bitterness, and hatred.³¹ Improved relationships will require time, effort, patience, and a willingness to communicate about issues and past offenses with love and concern. Some things may not be resolved in this life. Trusting in Christ and His timetable will help each prepare to do all they can do to mend troubled relationships.

In conclusion:

Perhaps these thoughts may help one of you that may be in a similar situation as I am.  Marriage is not always about the younger couple discovering their identities with their in-laws.  More mature marriages can have similar issues that may need to be handled with the utmost care……Not only mature couples but couples remarrying and adjusting to a new household with new step-children or a home combining children. 

None of us are immune.  May the Lord bless you in your families.

Vitamin "N"

 

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I wish to reference my remarks to:   Power Relationships in Families Richard B. Miller, PhD Director of the School of Family Life Brigham Young University.

Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children…. Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him. If you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits, that means to him that you do not care much about him (Spencer W. Kimball, TSWK pp. 340, 341).

With regard to discipline, I lived the failure of this principle many years ago when the mother of my children and I were having troubles and divorce was imminent.  I will not say that my children were bad kids but they struggled mentally as they watched their mother and I struggle.  They began to play their mother and I against each other in a way that would help ease their own mental anguish.  In a time when I felt I was becoming soft toward my children in the area of discipline, I found comfort in statements like the paragraph posted above. 

I found myself wanting to befriend them instead of parent them.  When I would read statements like the following, my heart would be pricked with guilt:  

“God forbid that there should be any of us so unwisely indulgent, so thoughtless and so shallow in our affection for our children that we dare not check them in a wayward course, in wrong-doing and in their foolish love for the things of the world more than for the things of righteousness, for fear of offending them (Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, p. 286).”

Dr. Miller writes:   “Do not be afraid to set clear moral standards and guidelines. Be sure to say no when it is needed. As Dr. John Rosemond counseled: “Give your children regular, daily doses of Vitamin N. This vital nutrient consists simply of the most character-building two-letter word in the English language––‘'No’ . . . Unfortunately, many, if not most, of today’s children suffer from Vitamin N deficiency. They have been over-indulged by well-meaning parents who have given them far too much of what they want and far too little of what they truly need”

“Sometimes a parent forms a coalition with a child against the other parent. Although usually unspoken, a parent undermines the other parent. It is vital that parents support each other in the presence of their children. If parents disagree on parenting issues, they should discuss the issues in an “executive session” without the children present. Children often try to play their parents off of each other. Consequently, it is important that parents make sure that they are working together and making decisions that are consistent with each other. “

You might ask:  How did my children turn out?  I can’t say that they were perfect children but they are good children.  It took me years to stop blaming myself for the bad decisions they made.  I attributed their bad decisions on the divorce and the way I parented them.  This idea was not a healthy way for me to cope.  When my children were young, I did everything the church suggests to raise children strong in the gospel.  We had family home evening and scripture study.  They were involved in every church activity.  We had family counsels and family dates.  I had high hopes that they would go on missions.  All three of my sons are currently not going to church.  They have pursued a different direction than I had hoped for them.  I took their defiance to church personally.  I had much growing to do and I have to admit that my behavior was not only unhealthy but spiritual demeaning as well.  I have come a long way since that time.  I now feel healthy and strong spiritually.  I pray for my children.  Most importantly I don’t judge my children and love them unconditionally.   I strive to live my life as an example of a disciple of Christ.  I have a long way to go but I have also come a long way through the atonement of Jesus Christ. 

We are surrounded with people with similar hardships in life.  Who do you know that you can help by sharing your tender mercies?  May we love our family and not blame ourselves and our imperfections.  That is what the atonement of Christ is for.  Hand your sorrows over to Him.  He has already taken upon himself our pains.  Live joyfully!

Fidelity In Marriage

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A marriage that is moving toward a path of infidelity can be due to many different problems within the marriage.  

I want to talk about saving a marriage of the potentials of infidelity. 

I speak of personal experience. 

I am a once divorced man whom is now happily remarried.  My previous marriage had roots that led to dissatisfaction, selfishness and loneliness.  There is not a single person to blame for our demise and many lessons have been taught me which shaped my attitudes to the future I now live. 

Change in a hazardous relationship is not easy and neither spouse can hope to change the other person. Instead, spouses can commit to making changes in their individual behavior. They can also commit to seeking the Lord’s help through the power of the Atonement in order to become their best selves, for their own sake and for the sake of their spouses.

Problems in any marriage can build over time.  Communication barriers will exist. Often infidelity may occur. This can be very innocent at first. 

Kenneth W. Matheson, Professor, School of Social Work, Brigham Young University has stated:

“A marriage can be placed in a precarious situation when one spouse forms a relationship with someone outside the marriage and begins to choose the company of that person or frequently shares personal information with that person rather than with a spouse”

In my case, my spouse was unwilling to work toward a resolve in our own relationship because she quite innocently found a good man friend at her work.  Her man friend became her feeling of comfort and security to calm her needs.  She would receive phone calls from him at our home and shyly called him a “friend” and “it was no big deal.”  I didn’t think much of it at first because I wanted to trust her but my gut and feelings were sending a different message. 

Over a period of time, I was approached by my Bishop.  Evidently the Bishop’s wife had seen my wife and her friend in a public place together holding hands.  Shortly thereafter I caught them being intimate together.

(Does this story sound familiar?)

What have I learned?

Trust and loyalty have to be rebuilt. A Married couple needs to make it safe to verbalize feelings, frustrations, and perceptions to each other without the fear of being judged. When couples have a disagreement, they need to learn how to focus on the problem rather than attack each other. They need to learn to emphasize the positives in their relationship rather than focus on the negatives. They will begin to acknowledge the efforts made by each other and not just the outcome.

The first problem was my spouse began to seek her co-worker’s emotional support rather than coming to me for support. 

In Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle, He stated that the spouse should become preeminent in the life of the husband or wife.  Neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse. 

We live with the consequences of our choices.  My plea to you is that if your marriage is on the edge of existence, there will always be hope.  Turn to your spouse, even if the circumstances are difficult.  Rely upon the atonement of Jesus Christ to heal you.  Lastly, You can change you.