Grow up Men!!!

Are men really that dense?  Why do women emotional mature faster than men?  Grow up men!!!!

Let me illustrate with several examples from the book “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman.  “

I think all of us are very aware of the differences between men and women. Usually women are more emotionally mature than their husbands for one simple reason:  they’ve had an enormous head start in acquiring these skills.

Let’s go back to the playground for a moment. 

When young boys play, their priority tends to be the game itself—not their relationship with each other or their emotions.  But for little girls, feelings are usually paramount.  A cry of “I’m not your friend anymore” will stop a game cold.  Whether it starts up again will depend on whether the girls make up. 

Girlish games offer far better preparation for marriage and family life because they focus on relationships.  Boys don’t often include games with relationship and domestic themes in their repertoire.  Girls play often emphasizes social interactions and feelings.  A boys experience at playing cooperatively and quickly getting past conflict will be an asset later in the boardroom or on the construction site, but it will be a liability in marriage if it comes at the expense of understanding the emotions behind his wife’s perspectives.

Once a young couple marries, the groom is suddenly immersed in an alien world.  Many young husbands discover they have a lot to learn from their wives about maintaining a home.  How will he react to his wife?  That depends upon whether he can be emotionally intelligent. 

An emotionally intelligent husband honors and respects his wife; he will be open to learning more about emotions from her.  He will come to understand her world and those of his children and friends.  He will learn how to connect with his wife emotionally.  As he does so, he’ll make choices that show he esteems her.  When she needs to talk, he’ll turn off the basketball game and listen.  He will choose “us” over “me.”

The new husband is likely to make his career less of a priority than his family life because he has revised his definition of success.  He will keep in touch with his wife with his admiration and fondness for her, and he communicates it by turning toward her in his daily actions. 

Does this mean that he will never be irritated with his spouse or disagree? 

Let’s switch gears and reflect upon the spiritual side of your relationship.

From the book “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Goddard.” it is suggested

At some point we know our partner well enough to be irritated and to know that the sources of our irritation are not likely to disappear.  We can leave the relationship, smolder in sullen resentment, or repent.  God recommends repentance. 

Let’s talk about some common irritations. 

Example:  I like kitchen counters to be tidy and free of clutter.  My wife sins in this area.  Why does she not respond favorably to my request by leaving the kitchen counters tidy and free of clutter? 

Answer:  This is not my wife’s problem.  It is my problem.  If something is left on the counter and it bothers me, I can put it away

Any time we feel irritated with our spouse, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouse to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent. 

Repentance “denotes a change of mind, i.e., a fresh view about God, about oneself, and about the world. 

Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride.  “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters –self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self seeking. 

When we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse, we have our backs toward heaven.  We are guilty of pride. 

Appreciating is more powerful than correcting.  Appreciation inflates the tires on which we travel.  Criticism is a slow leak in those tires.

How do you rate your emotional intelligence? 

A FEW DEGREES

As a married couple, do you read or listen to the news together or silently alone?  Do you look forward to chatting together while eating lunch or at the end of the day?   Do you make time for small exchanges of love amidst your busy hectic schedules.

What’s really occurring in these small and brief exchanges is that husband’s and wives are connecting--they are tuning into each others world by turning toward each other.  These couples are building mutual trust.  Those who don’t connect with each other are likely to lose their way.  

Real life romance is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.  In marriage, couples are always (consciously or subconsciously) reaching out for each other’s attention, affection, humor or support.  Will you ignore those vital signs or tune in to recognize those often hidden advances for your attention?  Turning toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion and a satisfying sex life.  

Romance is strengthened by the small and simple things like when your partner gives subtle hints like “would you like to go to the store with me?”  or “Do you like this outfit?  Or Does this color look good on me?”  

How do you respond?  Do you shrug your shoulders apathetically?  

Romance will grow when your spouse is having a bad day and you take a few seconds out of your schedule to send an encouraging text.  Partners can make a choice to turn toward each other rather than away from each other.  If you make the time to be receptive to your spouses needs, the reward will pay huge dividends.  Tune in to your partner and do not be distracted.  

Having a realization that you shouldn’t take your everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in your relationship.  Being helpful will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two week bahamas getaway

This will build an emotional bank account that will assist in weathering the hard times.  

Another small but noteworthy mention which has a potential hazard in our relationships is electronic devices.  I speak from personal experience.  

Electronic devices have gotten us used to having our concentration and focus interrupted.  This electronic distraction does not benefit intimate relationships.  Love and Intimacy require the habit of being aware and paying attention to our spouse.  Often partners will complain that the other is preoccupied and unavailable.  

I am reminded of a story told by Dieter F. Uchtdorf, second counselor in the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  

The main theme of his talk is:  

“The difference between happiness and misery … often comes down to an error of only a few degrees.”

I quote directly from his remarks:  

 

"In 1979 a large passenger jet with 257 people on board left New Zealand for a sightseeing flight to Antarctica and back. Unknown to the pilots, however, someone had modified the flight coordinates by a mere two degrees. This error placed the aircraft 28 miles (45 km) to the east of where the pilots assumed they were. As they approached Antarctica, the pilots descended to a lower altitude to give the passengers a better look at the landscape. Although both were experienced pilots, neither had made this particular flight before, and they had no way of knowing that the incorrect coordinates had placed them directly in the path of Mount Erebus, an active volcano that rises from the frozen landscape to a height of more than 12,000 feet (3,700 m).

As the pilots flew onward, the white of the snow and ice covering the volcano blended with the white of the clouds above, making it appear as though they were flying over flat ground. By the time the instruments sounded the warning that the ground was rising fast toward them, it was too late. The airplane crashed into the side of the volcano, killing everyone on board.

It was a terrible tragedy brought on by a minor error—a matter of only a few degrees.1.

The difference of a few degrees may seem minor. But even small errors over time can make a dramatic difference in our lives.

No one wants his life to end in tragedy. But all too often, like the pilots and passengers of the sightseeing flight, we set out on what we hope will be an exciting journey only to realize too late that an error of a few degrees has set us on a course for spiritual disaster.

It is therefore of critical importance that we become self-disciplined enough to make early and decisive corrections to get back on the right track and not wait or hope that errors will somehow correct themselves.

The longer we delay corrective action, the larger the needed changes become, and the longer it takes to get back on the correct course—even to the point where a disaster might be looming."

I would liken this story to another “exciting Journey” called Marriage!  I plead with you to stay on course.  If you take your partner for granted and stop doing the little things that build intimacy and trust, your course will begin to wander a degree here and there until years begin to pass and eventually the relationship becomes very difficult to get back on course

Emotional Intelligence

I have recently married a woman that consistently practices the principles for a strong marriage.  I can enthusiastically say that the suggestions given in Dr. Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work” if applied to your marriage will create a love you have never experienced.  Even if your marriage is healthy, I suggest that you keep the love alive by learning as much as you can.  

 

In Dr. Gottman’s book, “The seven principles for making marriage work,” A story was told of Rory that illustrates in an extreme way how marriages start drifting apart. I think we can all learn from this illustration.

“Rory was a pediatrician  who ran an intensive care unit for babies.  He was beloved at the hospital, where everybody called him Dr Rory.  He was a reserved man but capable of great warmth, humor and charm.  He was also a workaholic who slept in the hospital an average of twenty nights a month. He didn’t know the names of his children’s friends, or even the name of the family dog.  When he was asked which room led to the house’s back door, he turned to ask his wife, Lisa.  His wife was upset over how little she saw of Rory and how emotionally disconnected he seemed to be.  She frequently tried to make little gestures to show him she cared, but her attempts just annoyed him.  She was left with the sense that he simply didn’t value her or their marriage.”

Rory was an intellectually gifted man who didn’t even know the name of the family dog or how to find the back door!   Can we see by this illustratration why this relationship is on rocky ground? Rory’s has a shocking lack of knowledge about his own home life.  He had become so caught up in his work that he became disconnected with his wife’s world.    

Many couples fall into a similar habit of inattention to the details of their spouse’s life.  One or both partners may have only the sketchiest sense of the other’s joys, likes, dislikes, fears and stresses.  

In contrast, emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world.  They have a love map which is a term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life.  When she orders him a salad, she knows what kind of dressing he likes.  If she works late, he’ll  think to record her favorite tv show.  He could tell you how she’s feeling about her boss and exactly how to get to her office from the elevator.  They  know each other's life goals, worries, and hopes.  

Without a love map, you can’t really know your spouse.  If you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them?  

Do you know the names of your spouse’s friends?  Do you know what stresses your spouse is feeling?  When was the last time you and your spouse talked about your life’s dreams?     Do you know your spouse's favorite music, movies?  What about their stresses in life?  These are just a few of many, many questions that you can discuss in your quest for a checkup from the neck up.  

For a printable version of love map questions you can go to Gottmans’s book:  http://rhlink.com/mmw008 and http://rhlink.com/mmw003

If the very thought of communication with your spouse leaves you hesitant, go to these links and find new ways to start a conversation.  You may be pleasantly surprised.  

Updating your love map consistently will not only increase your love for your spouse but bring to light the many facets of life’s changes that change your world.